Looking for Jesus...

Searching for baby Jesus was the theme of my day yesterday. Ironically during this Advent season we are all looking for the Baby Jesus. We are waiting with open arms to welcome him, longing to see his face more clearly. Yesterday,  I literally was looking for Baby Jesus in the basement of my parent’s house. It all started when we decided to forego our usual family outing to obtain the ideal Christmas Tree. Every December we (dog included) gear up for a trip to the tree farm, armed with a saw and tree wagon. We walk over the bridge next to the lake filled with 2 white swans and trek up the hill and back down again until we can all agree on one tree. It can’t be too fat, too short, too thin or have dead spots. Once agreed upon Wayne gets down on the ground and saws away. One of us guides the tree to the ground and then help lift it atop the wagon. We take turns pulling the wagon down the hill to a place where the tree is shook free of any debris and wrapped. We then carefully hoist the tree onto the roof of the car and strap it down for the journey home. After this we enjoy popcorn, apples and a visit to Santa at the tree farm. It has become a tradition. This year we wanted to return to our original tradition of pulling out an artificial tree from the attic, assembling it and getting it up with what seems to be ease? When the kids were little we always put up an artificial tree. The first Christmas Wayne and I were married we obtained a tree from a local department store which was used for a display. It had sleighs, white balls and snow babies on it. We had to get to the store early on December 26^th and lay hands on the tree to claim our stake. While Wayne got a shopping cart I undecorated the tree and placed all of the ornaments in a box provided to us by the store. Much to the disappointment of other eager shoppers – we obtained the tree. This year we return to that tradition as my oldest daughter Jessica asked if we could put up the tree she remembered from her early childhood. And in doing this – I realized that I could not locate the appropriate tree stand for this tree. Much time was spent looking in boxes in the attic, basement and closets. It would have been easier to cut the tree down instead! However I thought – “Hmmm my parents must have a tree stand that I could use”. So Jess and I ventured into my parent’s now vacant house. The house is still complete with furnishings and memories. Whenever I go in the front door I yell “I’m home!” in my Ricky Ricardo voice fully expecting my Mom to answer me. She was always busy at work in the yard or in the kitchen. She hung out our wash on the clotheslines in the yard no matter what the weather. Often my Dad’s work jeans would come in as a frozen sheet. I would hug my Mom as she came in from the cold, crisp and smelling like the outdoors with a scarf tied around her head.  But today I looked out the kitchen window into a yard of disrepair. Clotheslines down, swimming pool busted and bushes overgrown preventing one from getting out the patio door into the yard. It reminds me of  a ghost town of sorts. Or one of those towns you see on TV where the people are abducted by aliens and the home is empty except for the remnants of life left there.  People taken mid conversation, mid-eating soup at the kitchen table…you know the scene. And so with these thoughts I venture into the basement looking for a tree stand and to my surprise I find one setting atop of a pile of decorations nestled amid boxes on the ping pong table. My Dad and I used to pass the afternoon on a Saturday playing ping pong till my Mom would call us for a ride home from work. We would do trick shots off the wall and floor. Just when you expected your opponent to drop the ball on the floor it would hit the ceiling and bounce back onto the table. This table now acts as a storage place for things collected from deceased relative’s homes. While I am there I remove many recyclables that are blocking my path. Jess and I both spot a cheetah print dress at separate times. She asks if she could try the dress on at home. It is totally in vogue for this time and I think it would fit. I say yes. Then I remember that we always put a lit nativity scene out every Christmas. It was Mary, Jesus and Joseph and a manger with straw. As a little girl I would run down into the basement and lift up each piece - approximately 4 feet each - except for Baby Jesus. I would carry him gently upstairs and place him in the manger. I wanted to carry on this tradition and frantically searched for the nativity scene – a staple of my childhood. But where could I find it? I told Jess that I was looking for baby Jesus in Nana and Papa’s basement -an unlikely place for the babe to be. Or is it? God comes to us in the most unexpected and forlorn places. Amid our misery and sadness and during those times when we least expect it. For me He was hidden in a box with His parents in the closet amid spider webs and insulation hanging askew. This was hardly a place for the Savior to be found. However these cobwebs and disintegrating spaces are the places where the Savior needs to be -and where He comes to us. The cobwebs of materialism cloud our vision and our hearts, while the disintegrating spaces of our culture blossom when human dignity is compromised by convenience. This is most especially noted in our attitudes toward the elderly, the unborn child and the disabled. They are weak and need our attention.

I felt the childhood sensation of excitement when I dug through a series of boxes to the one box that I remembered as containing the holy family. Much to my approval I found all three of them nestled together a little more worn than I remembered. I yelled up the steps to Jess – “I found Jesus!” - The basement lights blinking from a burned out bug-laden fluorescent bulb and screen. (It reminded me of a burned out sign in front of a Motel 8). We excitedly carried the family to the car, anxious to test them out when we got home. Joseph was the only one who needed some attention. His light bulb was burned out and his screws were rusty. I could not help but wonder if my tetanus shot was up to date as I unscrewed his base and replaced the bulb. Jess and I set up the manger scene – minus the baby Jesus. He will have to wait to be delivered till December 25^th when He will be revealed to us in His entire splendor.  My wish for you is that Jesus comes to you during this Advent season amid the cobwebs that cloud  your vision and in the most unlikely of places. Have a blessed Holiday season!

Stewardship, Sharing and Family

Today I have learned that we cannot be attached to the things of this world. Literally we are just stewards of the shelter and goods that God has provided us with. I spoke with an attorney today to assist me in some decisions regarding the sale of my Dad’s property. Speaking with an attorney helped me to decide how to best provide care for my dad in assisted living as well as have him qualify for Veteran’s Benefits. My Dad enlisted in the Navy at the end of his junior year in high school. He was in the Navy during World War II and was honorably discharged when the war was over. Over the course of his 84 years he never asked for any benefits from the VA. No healthcare, pension or assistance. I am told that this is typical behavior of men of that generation. Many of these men grew up in the Depression and were too proud to take any assistance from the government. Assistance programs in those days were to benefit those who were really down and out. Most Americans just pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and carried on.  Many people had their own gardens to supply themselves with food. My grandparents raised their own chickens and pigs as well. They took in boarders for money. My grandmother a Hungarian immigrant in the early 1900’s, cooked, cleaned and did the wash for these men who worked in the cement factories - many who were immigrants themselves. My grandfather also a Hungarian immigrant was a carpenter in the cement plant. The men would tell stories around the table after dinner, play the zither or mouth harp and maybe engage in a little drinking of home-made beverages. Their lives were not complicated but were full of manual labor, stories and relationships with each other as they worked together. They were not rich, but were happy with what they had. Meals consisted of broth based soup with home-made noodles to start, some form of meat and a vegetable. Many things were cooked with lard or sour cream. There were home-made potato biscuits and baked goods. My grandmother would bake a cherry pie in a rectangular pan and place it in the window to cool. Many of the townspeople would walk by the window and stop to smell the pie’s goodness on their way to the river. My Mom lived in a house built into the bank of the Delaware River in New Jersey. The small town she grew up in was Brainerds, NJ. It was a melting pot of the Italians, Dutch, Hungarians, and African Americans. My grandfather would rake the sandy beach outside their door for the townspeople to come down for a swim in the summer. This sand floated to their home from up across the PA side of the river called Riverwood Beach. It was a gathering spot for the town as the boys and girls would jump off a rope swing or train trestle into the river. More on Brainerds, NJ later!

 At age 15 my mother was hired out as a domestic servant to a wealthy family in the East Stroudsburg area. Mr. and Mrs. Earnest Hoag were importers and exporters of fine goods from China. They lived on a lake which had an ice house and an outdoor tea house. Back in the day ice was used as a means of refrigeration. It was stored in an icehouse and delivered in chunks to be placed in an icebox which kept meats and perishables chilled. The lake had canoes that “the help” could use in their “off time” as a form of relaxation. They entertained the likes of artist Colin Yates, and musicians Jimmy and Tommy Dorsey. Many social gatherings of the elite of that time were held in their mansion.  The domestic servants wore a black uniform with a white apron, white cap and white gloves when serving a meal .  At a very young age my Mom taught me how to set a table and what utensils were used for each course of the meal. The Hoags took a liking to my mother and offered to adopt her. They wanted to give her a better life than her parents could give to her. When approached by the Hoags, my Mom (the interpreter) and my grandmother would not agree to the adoption. My mom loved her parents fiercely and would not consider a life of riches to be a substitute for these family-filled times. My mother worked as a domestic servant and was paid $5 a week. This was good money for these troubled times. She would live at the Hoag’s house and at the end of the week would be picked up by her brother –in-law Wesley to come home. He had the only car in the family. She would give him $1 for gas money and the rest went to support the family. The year was 1937.

How to tell if your parents have dementia

Next Question: How do you know your parents are slipping/going backwards mentally and physically?

1.       Hygiene becomes poor. – not washing, combing , brushing teeth, incontinence, stains on clothes, food stains on chest, smell, not shaving.

2.       Dry, itchy, flakey skin = dehydration.  Even if you force fluids at this point in time he or she may still need to go to the hospital for IV hydration.

3.       Accumulation of clutter in the house. Not allowing you to get rid of the clutter. Fearful of throwing out important papers…The papers should be filed already if they are really important!

4.     . Broken items – dropped picture frames etc.

5.       Things tied in bags – packing to go away when no trip is planned.

6.       Forgetting/refusing to take meds.

7.     Forgetting to eat – food spoiling or food not touched in fridge.

8.      Inappropriate things found in fridge – socks, rubber duck etc

9.     Change in mental status - agitation? Difficulty speaking? Stroke?

10. House dirty – dishes or wash not done.

11  Assess driving  skills– speak with the loved one’s MD re this. Person who has dementia still insists on driving when they really are a hazard on the road...

12 Short term memory loss

13  Like shaped items grouped together

14 Arriving late to places – my parents arrived late to my sister-in-laws wedding reception and walked in as they announced the bride and groom! Everyone had a good laugh – but embarrassing….

15 Circle of friends and interests is smaller. They become reclusive.

16  Don’t answer doorbells or phone.

17  Forgetting day of week and time. I purchased a digital desk clock that tells not only the time of day, AM or PM, date, day of week, year and room temperature at Wal-Mart for $14. This is the best buy for someone with dementia. It takes 1 AA battery.  Another tip - Make sure all the clocks in the house are set for the same time. Elderly get confused when the days are shorter. When it is dark at 5 o’clock is it AM or PM? Most seniors with an irregular sleep schedule may wake up from a nap and think it is 5 AM when it is 5 PM.  Keeping a regular schedule throughout the day is best. Reorienting them to time of day by pointing out things like lunch-time traffic, church bells ringing etc helps. Keeping them mentally and physically active is good also.

18  Hoarding of items – collecting stacking keeping items that are of no value.

19 Blaming others for your word loss or lack of assistance from someone else in naming objects.

On Rebates and Scam Artists Effecting the Elderly

The American Red Cross and the Local County office offer a monthly discounted price for a Lifeline button to seniors who live in our town. This discounted monthly rate is from $40 to $25 as a grant from the Trexler Trust Fund. There are also coupons available from the AAA to reduce the installation rate of this device so that the user only has to pay the $13 for S and H. I got one of these devices for my dad. He used it to call the ambulance on his last hospital admission as he became weak and confused from dehydration. The ambulance, police and fire company all responded and took him to the hospital on my birthday while I was at work. I was leaving the hospital after work and received a voicemail from my dad’s neighbor that he was taken out in a wheelchair to the hospital….I quickly went to the ER to find that this was true.  Recently I have returned the Lifeline device as my dad is going to be living in an assisted living facility. One must pay for the shipment back of the call button necklace and call box device that gets hooked up to the phone line. This costs roughly 6-8 dollars.

Let’s talk about rebates. You can apply for a rebate on your water and sewer bill on your primary residence. You again must have all the paperwork lined up to prove identity, residency, us citizenship, income and holdings etc. I did receive a rebate for my dad of approx $75. Some of this really is in vain because you pay accrued late fees on these bills. The penalty is not much – but when on a fixed income everything must be examined. I went with my dad to his bank and talked to the branch manager as I found my dad to be delinquent with his taxes and many bills after the death of my mother in 2009. He did not pay any taxes in 2010. I had to call the collection agency and set up an affordable payment plan over a 5 month period. He was also accumulating overdraft charges from the bank which if not caught keep accumulating. My dad reluctantly agreed to have me as POA on his checking account. The branch manager was able to rebate most of the OD charges and penalties. On second look at my dad’s statements I noticed monthly withdrawals from certain companies with 1-888 or 1-800 numbers. These companies when called by the branch manager claimed to have sold my dad internet services. Funny – because my dad does not own a computer! Somehow either on the phone or in the mail he sent checks to companies for prizes, lotteries, psychics and other mail demons who over the course of years drained his checking account. They do this by charging a monthly fee of $20 - too low to be detected by the bank’s fraud radar. If fraudulent activity is suspected by the bank radar then the amount is changed to $19 per month for example. I have thrown away much junk mail and get rich quick kits and subscriptions to magazine telling about true wealth and government conspiracies and health secrets. It is all a scam! It is very difficult to get rid of these parasitic people. They will call your family member on the phone. Try to meet them at the bank. Tell them they are in town and want to stop by for a visit. The elderly are prime suspects for this activity. These people get the elderly when they are weak, vulnerable and lonely. I would be angry at my dad for talking on the phone to these people and he would not answer the phone for me when I called to check in on him! At first I would run over to make sure he was ok – only to find him sleeping or watching TV. This was not good use of my time at all. Many times my spouse or I would have to leave work or other appointments for this reason.

 Back to the mail demons…You can fill out forms through the US postal service to try and stop some of these mailings. You can pay someone on the internet to cut your name off of the mailing lists as well. Once on the sucker list you get mailings from psychics, angel speakers, the amazing Kreskin, true wealth companies, and newsletter subscriptions to people supposedly “ in the know” about the economy and the state of the country. It is all bullshit! The easiest way to police this mail (which by the way when unattended amounts to many boxes of clutter) is to go through the crap mail and throw it in the recycling bin before it gets into the house. I would pull all the bills and keep them in a separate pile so that I knew what his monthly expenses would be. I called all of the utility companies, medical companies, tax bureaus etc and set up payment plans. With the help of the branch manager I closed out the checking account and opened another policing and maintaining control of the checkbook so that no checks were sent to these companies. As the branch manager told me – it’s all over once they have your routing number from the check in hand. It is sick and these people should be convicted for fraud and misrepresentation. I have listed to many a voicemail and taping of my dad speaking to a Jamaican man on the phone named  Mr. Smith or Johnny Jones etc. asking when he could go to the bank to get the money. They are pathetic parasites.

Other rebates are available to the elderly:

Rebates on taxes: If you pay them you should be able to get a rebate. Consult your accountant.

Rebates on heat: Apply for : LIEHP in the month of November  through the Lehigh County or though your coal, gas or electric heat provider.

Elder Care - Part 2

Getting back to the story of my dad…His dementia was affecting his short term memory. He would forget to drink and then become dehydrated and his kidneys would not be able to process the toxins resulting in a toxic buildup in his brain. Weakness and lethargy would set in and we would end up back in the ER of the local hospital. You know that it is bad when the ER nurses start to recognize you and call you by your first name! We tried short term rehab at a hospital-based facility and then visiting nurses, home health aides, PT and OT to visit him on a weekly basis. This was the third time that he was admitted in this situation. I had found him confused, agitated, sitting in his house in a t shirt and shorts very quiet, head held down. He had been incontinent many, many times through his clothing and onto a washable chair pad. We kept supplies of pull up diapers, disposable and washable pads on hand. His urine was so concentrated the smell was actually paralyzing to anyone nearby. Only weeks ago during his second hospitalization in July I could be found scrubbing the bathroom floor on my hands and knees. My daughters assisted me in cleaning out a clear pathway in his house so that he could come home with a walker. We removed any unnecessary clutter. We trimmed bushes, did wash and dishes routinely. I also got my dad’s shower cleaned out and working so that he could sit on a shower chair and wash with assistance. He had a home health aide now coming in to help him 2 days a week with bathing. He did not qualify for Medicaid as he owned some stocks and an additional property which was my grandparent’s house and his place of business with my uncle. This 2 unit house and large storage garage had not been entered in many years. I am not even sure what equipment is inside the garage which had been a pretzel bakery. The property was built in 1900 and lined a popular street in the first ward in our town. Many a St. Patrick’s day parade were viewed from the front porch of this house. My husband and I routinely shoveled the walks of this house in winter and cut grass in the backyard in summer. We were reluctantly supplied a key for the gate leading to the backyard so that we could get in and get the work done.  In order for my dad to qualify for MA he would have to sell his stock and have a legitimate realtor list the house for sale. My dad had done an “assist to sell” program in the past. This did not prove to be fruitful. Through the Local County Area Agency on Aging I was able to get my dad on a waiting list for a home health aide after his eight weeks of homecare visits were up. Though my dad’s caseworker in the AAA I obtained food stamps for him to cover additional food purchases up to $200 per month. Food stamps however do not cover any needed household cleaning supplies, toiletries or more importantly incontinence diapers. I would clip coupons and go to Rite Aid to get these supplies. We got Meals on Wheels (MOW) for 5 days per week – Monday through Friday. Weekends were uncovered as my dad came over to my house or went to Wendy’s for a burger. However we still had to pay for MOW as  his food stamps did not cover the prior months…again some of the government aid was useful…only a little too late as my dad was admitted to the hospital in the month that the food stamps started to cover MOW. There are other issues that come to light when applying for MA. First off, it was a real eye opener going into the County Welfare office. Many times I called the phone line as my Dad was assigned a case worker and a specific appointment time to be available to receive the case worker’s phone call.  The receptionists at the MA office would either pick up the phone and set it down or not answer at all. It was very frustrating to try to get in touch with the CW. We missed the phone appt that we were assigned. When applying for MA you are given a date and time that you need to be responsive to. My dad was not able to be mobile at 0830 in the morning. He missed the call. I panicked, could not get through to the office. I decided to write the CW a letter and fax it to him. He responded to the fax and we connected via phone. He was very helpful. We cooperated and got all of the necessary paperwork, forms of identification, proof of income, and residency, checking account balances, monthly SS income, car registrations and insurance, life insurance and house insurance etc. Many of the insurance policies we left go as my dad had 2 vehicles (a car and a truck). You can only drive one at a time! We didn’t have any homeowner’s insurance, limited life insurance and no long term care insurance. My parents only had medicare part A and PACE. By the way an interesting fact…my dad’s monthly social security income is less than that of someone who comes to the USA from another county and applies for SSI. SSI applicants get over $700 per month and have never worked a day in the US! My dad was a veteran and self-employed business owner for over 50 years paying taxes and social security his whole life….Hmmm something is drastically wrong with this picture. Many people collecting SSI also just send the money to their homeland….not even spending the money in the good old USA so as to keep the economy going….Ugh!